On life and its vagaries


with one comment

I fade into the shadows I see in my mind,
I lose myself in them, and they take me over.
For, I am these, inseparable from them –
So one with them that I become a conglomerate
Of feelings, passing thoughts, urges and

In moments of repose
All come back to me in fragments, splintered by
The passage of time, torn-
Pieces of a puzzle that I am living, events of yore
Dim remembrances, emotions once gone through
Now having not the strength of reality
To awaken the old feelings once again.
Faces long lost to the abysses of mind
Sights which drove hot shafts into the being….
All are there, in these shadows……..


A pale noon is playing outside , it’s very still
The bushes stand frozen, the wind has died
The dirt in the panes that I am looking through
Has entered my soul, it’s all very dim
I see the summer written large
In the heavens, some call it spring, but we
Don’t have seasons here, it’s all without reason
Rain blubbers for half the year and
Then it’s the rage of summer. There
Are no transitions, only transitory passions –
Damp and fierce. Tropics kill the soul, by
Strangling all the seasons .
There is only the glare of sun and the slush
Of rain all the year round, all the year round….


This Calendar is old, the pages are torn
And the color has faded, I search for a date
In May, I had jotted down something on it
Years back-
Something I should remember
But it’s no more there, was it made in pencil
And has faded since? I wonder.
It’s a thin memory, nothing very specific.

The one thing I pride myself in is a lack
Of retentiveness, I fail to remember all
That’s important and recall all that’s
silly. I search the dirty pages once more-
They are as hollow as a toothless smile.
What was I trying to call up?

Then some phantom comes up and says to me
“ This heat , you remember-
It was scorching that day, people fainted
trying to go through the throng”
Who is this, I marvel and I see no one nearby
May be its my double, may be its god.

But then sit back and remember
Something had happened in May,
and someone had asked me to-
Remember it and bring her a present
Some one very dear……….

Seen through my eyes, everything partakes of-
My desires, and fashions themselves on them.
Then I am a child, reaching for sparkling flames,
Punished by a mother, reassured by a father.
Caresses and tears intermingle, pleasures
And pains seem seamless- merged into an
Unmeaning whole. I am then myself and
Want everything to be mine.

Stepping into the soul of others, I feel claws-
Of steel fastening on my wounds, tugging at my spirit
Shearing them, just like in some bizarre nightmare
Ever repeated, ever recreated, immersing-
Me in a gloom I have known all my life
Then I am a borrower-
Of fears, troubles, dreads and miseries.
None of it my own, but strangely seeming so.
How could anything be mine, unless everything
Merges into my being and I remember-
It being so from times that’s lost to memory .

Viewed from afar, one is just a speck , reveling in solitude
Trying to be whole, and failing in the effort-
One with nothing to hold on to, yet nowhere to go.
Strange it may be, but what’s stranger than judging
Something we are not, and can never be?

Within this snarl nothing is true. Ever
Winding itself into inexhaustible mirages
Something unwinds, whatever it is
Nothing has yet begun, and so
Nothing may end.


One Response

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  1. I so enjoyed reading this and will read it again several more times. It conjours so many feelings and sensations, memories and ‘indescribable don’t really know what things’. I’ll be back! blessings to you Sam. Teresa


    August 2, 2011 at 8:17 am

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