On life and its vagaries

Instinctual drives

with 2 comments

They looked pale and smooth, cool to the touch and slightly, very slightly resisting to the faint caress of his fingers. He couldn’t take his hand away.

Her skin had caught at the tip of his fingers like a magnet, refusing to let them go.

He squirmed on the inside; a terrible fear had begun inside him. What am I doing, he cried in his mind in anguish, what am I doing?

I couldn’t be doing this.

But something more primitive was urging him on, asking him to be not fearful, not to mind all that boiling inside him at the moment. Not to be squeamish, not to walk away from the chance. She would be soon someone else’s.

Dry leaves began to burn in his belly and a hell fire burned in his heart.

He had just put her to sleep, he had been careful with it….. He had slipped some of his sleeping pills into her coffee.

Molu, he had called……….

Her mother was off visiting relatives.

…………….Make a cup of coffee for me.

She was not happy with it; she had lately developed a strange habit of lying in bed and day dreaming. She was not very particular about the way she laid in it, and she was not mindful who saw her at that.

Especially she didn’t seem to mind if he saw her at it, only lazily trying to cover the revealed parts of her exposed body and all the while looking steadily at him.

It seemed a taunt to him. It seemed as if she was saying “I know what you are up to, you coward”

He had a strange feeling that she was always lying in wait for him, prompting him silently to break down, to cry and beg for something terrible.

It had driven hot shafts into him. He tried to dilute them with drink and mirthless occupations. But the terror would not vanish. Sometimes he would go crazy thinking,

She had known it all along, she had known that those caresses long ago was not of affection and was something else. Perhaps she knew it by the way his hands unconsciously moved over her.

The thought drove him up the walls.

Then on occasions when the mind wanders, a strange  passion would well up in his soul, its strangeness and horridness fascinating him and egging him on. It’s very morbidity holding out something devilishly alluring to his mind.

I am going mad, he had thought despairingly, or is she driving me mad methodically, is she trying to have some kind of a strange revenge for breaking her trust, for failing to behave as he should?  But what if she also……… he thought with fear, does she also des………?

He would then bang his head on the walls and cry silently

What am I thinking, what in the god’s name am I thinking……………?

He had feared this day for a very long time. He couldn’t be alone with her in the same house. Once that happens he knew that would be the end of him, he wouldn’t survive that.

He had tried to avert it from happening, he had told her mother,

I have something in town, I can’t be here.

Just shut up, I can’t leave her alone, you know that.

He then suggested.

Call someone from neighborhood, or send her there.

Rubbish, you have nothing in  town; none of them even phone you now that you are retired.

His heart shivered, he wanted to tell his wife, you don’t know what you are doing, you don’t know what you are throwing me into.

Then he bewilderedly thought, what is that I just said, what’s happening to me, I am talking about my own ……

She was there watching them all the time, that contemptous sneer ever present in her face. She seemed to have some devilish delight in being alone in the house with him.

Shaking inwardly he passed his hands over the brow, they were wet and clammy.

She laughed.

Let him run away, he wants to go and get drunk, it’s a nice trick to forget……

Her mother slapped her soundly.

Behave, and don’t let him go out.

He was trapped. The moment the mother left she seemed to become worse. Humming and turning around and brushing him every now and then while passing near to him. She isn’t lazy; he thought angrily, she is just nasty.

Can I bring you something to drink?


He had said without looking up from the paper he was reading.

Oh, I see, they add  a little bit of ‘courage’ in the other drink, do they?

He didn’t look up and sat there like a stone. He should have ordered her to shut up, but he felt too morally defeated before her. He raged inside. What did I really ever do to her for her to take it on me like this? The….

She laughed and passed very near him this time to the inside of the house. He caught the faintly fragrant smell of the detergent trapped in her housedress, shivering inside.

You could do with some of that right now, don’t you?

It was that sneer he hated. When he sees  it he wants  to wring her neck and be finished with it all.

Those words send lightning bolts into him. She is teasing me, the devilish …….

His ager had made him another man now. He suddenly became a calculating, wicked and scheming devil. He had forgotten  what he was to her.

That was when he called her to make coffee. He knew that she likes coffee and he can go into the kitchen to get it and send her away for moment to put the powder in and stir it well.

He was surprised that he had powder ready for a long time. When did he do it? He could not remember, he seems to have kept it in a separate bottle for some purpose in his desk.

She liked lots of sugar.

Now he was looking down on her, lightly caressing her legs with his fingers

She had slightly parted lips, they were a pale red and full and very, very inviting.

He bent down to put his lips on them.  On close quarters her upper lip looked nicely covered with the faintest traces of of a moustache.

At that moment she suddenly opened her eyes wide and looked at him with something like a horrifying  hatred (or was it his fancy)

Then she began  that deadly  laugh.

He stood looking at her in stupid wonder, firmly rooted to the spot for a moment. Then he felt an intense fear and  something very fragile broke inside  him.

Hitting his forehead violently he now ran out of the house. There was nowhere to go; there was no place to hide.

He worriedly and absently mindedly rummaged in his shirt pockets for something. He needed to find something…….

If I could find it at all, he wildly thought, If I could find it somehow….

He was still hearing  the wild laughter going on behind him somewhere.

If he could stop it  for a moment ……….for a single moment….

He began running…………

He was still running when they caught him. He is still running in his hospital cell…….searching, searching for something to stop something…..


Written by Sam

September 17, 2009 at 5:39 pm

2 Responses

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  1. serves him right.. if he makes it out of the assylum.. 🙂

    this is what i dont get of human beings.. why cant they be content with one mate 🙂 🙂


    September 18, 2009 at 11:29 am

  2. Instinctual drives, the child in us is always curious, it doesn’t really know that the flame would burn it, if it got near, still it wants to touch it.


    September 18, 2009 at 2:36 pm

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